Confessions of a Minivan Mom

I'm thinking this title sums up my heart as of late. Confessions of a Minivan Mom. Whether its the last days of winter or my own soul's stirring, I find myself more reflective. Questioning my thoughts, my actions, my goals, my purpose.

As I mull on the reckless faith I long to have, I find myself challenged by the reality of a comfortable life. I long to be used in a greater way, to live an intentional life that changes the world. Somehow. And yet, for now, I have no idea what that looks like for me. For our family.

So I drive through Starbucks, attempting to distract myself from the gnawing I feel. Its deliciousness doesn't cover what I know...that my $4 could feed a child, instead. Or buy a pair of squeaky shoes.

Yet, somehow my $4 gift doesn't seem enough.

I "know" the popular answers that all gifts count, no matter how small. And that small differences by many add up to great things for some. But I am convicted that the comfort of my Connecticut life simply doesn't jive with the courageous compassion I believe God desires.

It's not an accident that I was born where I was, married who I did, and have the affluence I enjoy.

God gave me talents and treasure to use on behalf of His kingdom, to be His hands and feet to a world that groans to know its Maker.

But how do I rock the thousands of orphan babies in China
And feed the hungry in Africa
And bring love to the abandoned in Russia
And freedom to the slave girls of India

While I raise 4 children, take my daughter for transfusions, grow a marriage, love on my church family...not to mention cooking and cleaning...and then cooking and cleaning all over again?

Helen Keller said, "I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something." Lots of people like to quote it. And there is some wisdom there...sometimes we're paralyzed by need so that we do nothing. And certainly that is not good.

But sometimes we let ourselves stop short of what God might be calling us to by thinking that giving something rather than everything is enough.

When I read "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it and whoever loses His life for my sake will find it," I don't hear

a little bit
or
a small gift
or
a token of love
or even generosity

I see complete and utter sacrifice.

And that is what is missing in my life.

Jesus, show me how I can live fully and sacrificially for you. Show me if that fits somehow into the life I now live or if the life I now live must be completely turned upside down to accomplish your purposes.

On Spending Ourselves In Behalf Of Others

“…if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:10-11

If you spend yourself, if you pour yourself out on behalf of those in need… “Well….then what will happen to me?” we might ask. Will there be anything left? Will I have anything left? Any time? Any money? Any strength? Look what Isaiah tells us. “If you spend yourself….he will satisfy your needs…you will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

I think about myself as a husband and father. Sometimes it feels that if I do what they need there will be nothing left of me. That I just don’t have enough to give. How much more when I think beyond my own family and consider those with deep needs for the basic things of life for body and soul. If I give of myself–all that I am and all that I have–what will there be left? Logic says: “Nothing.” So I’d better hold back. I’d better nurture myself and my own first and make sure I’ve got a storehouse of reserves (energy, time, money–whatever) before I start giving these crucial resources away.

But God’s economy doesn’t always work that way. Sure. There are times where the resources come first. But here, God speaks of emptying oneself first then finding God’s miraculous supply on the other end. When we spend ourselves…..Then will we discover that our needs are met. Then will we be as a well-watered spring even in a sun-scorched land.

(Also posted @ http://www.oursaviorct.org/blog/)

To Be Uncomfortable

The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of the Father acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because the Father has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.

Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust

Best Moment of My Day

R. here. Last night I got to watch my UNC Tar Heels beat the arch-nemesis and much despised Duke Blue-Devils to win the regular season ACC title. There was much rejoicing. But as thoroughly awesome as that was--that wasn't even close to the best moment of my day.

That happened in the morning. I was up at the church building for a meeting. We were taking a break, and I was standing up to stretch and chat with someone. All of a sudden and out of nowhere I feel this bear hug around my leg and side. I look down and it's youngest son, G. just hugging me tight with his face buried into my side.

I knelt down hugged him back and he just squeezed even tighter and held on for what seemed like a long-long time. He had come up to play with a friend, saw me and just came into the room to give me a hug.

Awesome.