I hear him, crying the cry of the broken. It is heavy, mournful, loud. It escalates to a frenetic intensity and pitch, with thrashing and kicking and every kind of defense. I rush to his bed, but his screams have become the wails of a newborn and I hear what my son sounded like just days old. Desperate for the arms he should have had instead of mine.
I hold him, but he doesn't know. He's not awake. Fully asleep, he cries out all the emotion he has carried in him for four years. Confusion. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. I cradle him in my arms and rock him like a baby. I whisper.
You are safe.
Mama's here.
The minutes feel like hours, but slowly the cries turn to whimpers and he nestles in. He draws a deep, stuttering breath and puts his head as close to my chest as he can. I squeeze tight. His muscles tense once more then release as I slowly rock him back and forth whispering sing song words of promise.
He sleeps peacefully again and I continue to hold him. Trace his soft cheek up and down. Wind my fingers through his coarse black hair. Imagine what he felt like as a baby. Wish I could've been there four years ago when he lost everything.
Instead, we grieve for lost time. Grieve for his loneliness. Grieve for his fear. This isn't how it should be. Children everywhere hurting and forgotten and most of the world too busy to care.
In the darkness we sit waiting for the morning. Waiting for the light.
1.09.2016
1.06.2016
On Your Engagement
Dear Baby Sister,
Twenty-two years ago, you came into this world...perfectly pink and beautiful...so tiny we called you Bean. You were sick and hospitalized and I remember visiting you daily wondering when you would come home. You, in your NICU incubator, tubes and wires running this way and that.
I think it's incredibly like God to have matched you to someone with an equally fragile start in life. Someone who has had to fight to live, fight to see, fight to be accepted. You understand each other. Even today, you both fight through physical pain to do what most people take for granted. I'm glad you've learned to fight because you'll need that same ferocity for your marriage to survive.
Everything will fight against your marriage. The world, your self, and the devil. Everywhere you turn, you'll see messages that so easily creep into the heart. Words like
You deserve more.
It shouldn't be this hard.
It's all about you.
These thoughts will flood you morning and night. They'll come at you head on and creep in during the dark nights of hard times.
Because hard times come.
Jobs are lost. Health is fleeting. Children challenge. And spouses change.
And that's when the messages you've heard from the world and from the devil himself will come back to your mind. When you're tired, when you're lonely, when you're sick. If you aren't watching, discontentment will sneak into your soul and slowly take root in your heart. If you allow it to remain, it will grow and grow until one day you'll wish your whole life was different. Because it isn't what you thought it would be. Isn't what you dreamed.
It isn't Pinterest perfect. Or Jane Austen romantic.
It's work.
Because relationships ARE work. The longest married spouses all say the same thing. Love isn't a feeling. It's a daily making of decisions to love as you would want to be loved. And it's through the hanging in and hanging on that somehow leads you to the other side when you look back and say, "It was so so worth it."
If you honor Matthew before yourself...if you treat him not as he deserves but according to his worth in Christ, you will find greater joy than you knew could exist. Not because it will give you what you want, but because serving others is putting on Christ. As we humble ourselves to love others, we become like Jesus....and the becoming like Jesus fulfills the greatest longing of our hearts.
You may likely find that as you strive to give love to your husband, that he loves you in return in an even greater way. This has been true in our marriage. As one of us serves the other, we find our feelings of love return and our marriage grows stronger. THAT kind of love is the real deal, the greatest of romances
We all can love while we're walking down an aisle or dancing in the moonlight. Vows are easily said with flowers and a reception to follow. But real vows are renewed daily as you lay down your life for the other.
You already know these things. You've watched our parents work at their marriage of more than 40 years. You've read the marriage books. You've read THE Book. I have so much confidence in you and your ability to love. Christ has given you so many gifts to bring into your marriage...tenderness, gentleness, and humor! You will be Matthew's eyes in so many ways, helping him to look at the world through your lens of compassion and kindness and beauty. He, in turn, will help ground you. His sensibility and intelligence will balance your flights of fancy and together you will be something amazing to behold.
And I'll be that big sister watching on the sidelines cheering you on, praying you towards great things. God has a plan and a purpose for your life that you cannot yet even imagine (Jeremiah 29:11) and He will work all things together for an incredible good (Romans 8:28).
In the meantime, plan and pinterest and pray...and enjoy every single moment knowing that the best is yet to come!
Love Always,
Jessemyn
Twenty-two years ago, you came into this world...perfectly pink and beautiful...so tiny we called you Bean. You were sick and hospitalized and I remember visiting you daily wondering when you would come home. You, in your NICU incubator, tubes and wires running this way and that.
I think it's incredibly like God to have matched you to someone with an equally fragile start in life. Someone who has had to fight to live, fight to see, fight to be accepted. You understand each other. Even today, you both fight through physical pain to do what most people take for granted. I'm glad you've learned to fight because you'll need that same ferocity for your marriage to survive.
Everything will fight against your marriage. The world, your self, and the devil. Everywhere you turn, you'll see messages that so easily creep into the heart. Words like
You deserve more.
It shouldn't be this hard.
It's all about you.
These thoughts will flood you morning and night. They'll come at you head on and creep in during the dark nights of hard times.
Because hard times come.
Jobs are lost. Health is fleeting. Children challenge. And spouses change.
And that's when the messages you've heard from the world and from the devil himself will come back to your mind. When you're tired, when you're lonely, when you're sick. If you aren't watching, discontentment will sneak into your soul and slowly take root in your heart. If you allow it to remain, it will grow and grow until one day you'll wish your whole life was different. Because it isn't what you thought it would be. Isn't what you dreamed.
It isn't Pinterest perfect. Or Jane Austen romantic.
It's work.
Because relationships ARE work. The longest married spouses all say the same thing. Love isn't a feeling. It's a daily making of decisions to love as you would want to be loved. And it's through the hanging in and hanging on that somehow leads you to the other side when you look back and say, "It was so so worth it."
If you honor Matthew before yourself...if you treat him not as he deserves but according to his worth in Christ, you will find greater joy than you knew could exist. Not because it will give you what you want, but because serving others is putting on Christ. As we humble ourselves to love others, we become like Jesus....and the becoming like Jesus fulfills the greatest longing of our hearts.
You may likely find that as you strive to give love to your husband, that he loves you in return in an even greater way. This has been true in our marriage. As one of us serves the other, we find our feelings of love return and our marriage grows stronger. THAT kind of love is the real deal, the greatest of romances
We all can love while we're walking down an aisle or dancing in the moonlight. Vows are easily said with flowers and a reception to follow. But real vows are renewed daily as you lay down your life for the other.
You already know these things. You've watched our parents work at their marriage of more than 40 years. You've read the marriage books. You've read THE Book. I have so much confidence in you and your ability to love. Christ has given you so many gifts to bring into your marriage...tenderness, gentleness, and humor! You will be Matthew's eyes in so many ways, helping him to look at the world through your lens of compassion and kindness and beauty. He, in turn, will help ground you. His sensibility and intelligence will balance your flights of fancy and together you will be something amazing to behold.
And I'll be that big sister watching on the sidelines cheering you on, praying you towards great things. God has a plan and a purpose for your life that you cannot yet even imagine (Jeremiah 29:11) and He will work all things together for an incredible good (Romans 8:28).
In the meantime, plan and pinterest and pray...and enjoy every single moment knowing that the best is yet to come!
Love Always,
Jessemyn
1.05.2016
1.04.2016
Lunchtime Prayers
"Dear God, thank you food. Thank you MOOOOOOOsic. Thank you lub (love)."
Dramatic long pause
"And thank you elephants."
Oh, the minds of 4 year olds...cuz love and food and pachyderms go together, of course. 😉
Dramatic long pause
"And thank you elephants."
Oh, the minds of 4 year olds...cuz love and food and pachyderms go together, of course. 😉
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