(R) I guess I needed a day off. I guess WE needed a day off. Violet and me that is. Today was JUST what we needed and it was FANTASTIC!
Violet, Mama and I simply did errands this morning. They started where we've been, with Violet being rather cool to me. She didn't want me to put her in the car or get her out, etc. But at the store, we put her in the cart and I pushed. That's a big deal actually. I just heard someone talking about how in a similar situation the "favored parent" had to at least keep a hand on the cart. I remember that being an issue with Mia.
That opened the door to some interaction. I got to make her smile by pushing her fast and spinning her around and stopping short. I got to chat with her as we walked around. I got to get a couple items she pointed to as we walked along. But that was just the beginning.
After lunch things really started to click. Jessemyn went out on errands and Violet, Mia and I horsed around in the living room. We got silly. There were giggles and belly laughs all the way around. I lifted them each up to "touch the ceiling." I held one girl under each arm and spun around. They took turns grabbing my hands, walking up my legs and flipping over. ETC. It was AWESOME. From that point on, Violet was pretty favorably disposed to me. She asked for my help several times. She sat next to me on the couch. She asked me to pick her up.
Even when Noah and Gabe came home, we continued to click. I've been able to pick her up and even kiss her all night. Bedtime was great! WOW! What a difference. Just being together in the same place for the day made a world of difference.
Is everything going to be easy and fine now? Probably not. But this was a great day. And it came just at the right time.
3.09.2012
3.08.2012
Rejection Is Hard (and Normal)
(R) If you do this adoption thing you know it's a reality. You read the books and blogs. You know it's very likely and understandable that at some point, in some way your new child will "reject" you.
When we adopted Mia, I experienced this while in China and some at home. After I got sick in China, Mia wouldn't let me hold her. She only wanted Mama. I could play with her, feed her, etc. But I could not hold her. She wanted Mama. When she woke up and found Mama not in the room, she waled. We went to find Mama--fast. When we got home to CT, suddenly I was allowed to hold her. She still preferred mama. There were still MONTHS of Thursday nights where Mia cried for mama as she walked off to Worship Team rehearsals. But gradually (usually by being silly) she'd calm down and be open to my love and fatherly nurture. It takes time and patience. It takes love no matter what.
This time around has been different. I was able to hold Violet all the way through our China trip. We were doing fairly well. There were even times where she seemed to be more comfortable with Baba than Mama. She's not as clingy as Mia was.
When we got home, things changed for me. She was immediately enamored with her siblings. (and who can blame her!? They are AWESOME! and FUN!) She lets them pick her up and sometimes even kiss her. At the same time, I lost all "privileges." It took five days before I could hold her again without her crying. And it's slow going since.
It makes sense. I went back to work immediately. I've been able to spend less time with her than anyone in the family. There are times where I may get a smile. She may say hello or bye bye to me. But I don't get much more. And she won't let me give much either. No hugs. No kisses. She often cringes when I try to touch her arm or her hair.
The only time this has been different has been OUT of the house with no kids around. That's happened twice. Once at the doctor last week and then at the doctor today. At the doctor last week she let me hold her and be silly with her. She let me in a little.
Today was very hard. Very, very hard. I could see it coming. I was nervous about it. I was going to take her (by myself) to her pediatrician appointment. It did not start well. Mama had told her what was going to happen. When the moment came, she physically retreated and scowled at me. When she wouldn't walk with me, I picked her up. When I picked her up, she wailed. and wailed. and flailed. and wailed. I got her outside and put her down. She sat down still wailing. I picked her up and put her in the car. She wailed. I buckled her seat belt. She screamed. I closed the door. She wailed. and wailed. I got into the drivers seat. And cried.
It was horrible. Yes, it hurts to be rejected. And it hurts to see someone you love so upset and to know that you are the immediate cause of this misery. As she wailed and I cried, I tried to remember that this was normal. She's the one who was initially rejected (for whatever reason) by those she trusted most dearly. She's the one whose whole life has been turned upside down several times. I'm practically a stranger. Putting her in a car to take her who-knows-where.
J came out to reassure both of us. I've repeated the "We'll get there" mantra to myself all day. It was awful. It's awful to see her perfectly happy with everyone--but me. It's awful to see her go from that happy smile--to fear and wailing--because of me.
I drove to the doctor (thankfully about a two minute drive through the neighborhood) as she wailed the whole way and tears streamed down my own face. "We'll get there......We'll get there."
We got to the parking lot. I opened the door. She climbed out and collapsed into a heap on the pavement, sobbing. I picked her up and walked toward the office door. She seemed to realize she'd be with other people. It was almost as though she willed herself to stop. She wiped her tears. She calmed down. We went inside.
The staff was great. They could see, and I briefly shared what was going on. They were very patient and compassionate. And Violet was GREAT! She did everything they asked of her. While we were waiting alone together for the doctor, I pulled out the phone and showed her a picture of her that J put on the blog. She's sitting at the Piano. She was curious. She looked and smiled. She wanted to see more. She saw the pics J put on of their haircuts. She smiled some more. And she warmed up to me. A little anyway. Enough that she smiled sheepishly at me a few times. Enough that she held up her arms for me to carry her when it was time to go. That's something. "We'll get there."
It really will take time. And patience. And love. Love that can't always be shown except through quietly waiting. It will take effort. I'll need to work really hard to create those times to be together without siblings. But "We'll get there."
When we adopted Mia, I experienced this while in China and some at home. After I got sick in China, Mia wouldn't let me hold her. She only wanted Mama. I could play with her, feed her, etc. But I could not hold her. She wanted Mama. When she woke up and found Mama not in the room, she waled. We went to find Mama--fast. When we got home to CT, suddenly I was allowed to hold her. She still preferred mama. There were still MONTHS of Thursday nights where Mia cried for mama as she walked off to Worship Team rehearsals. But gradually (usually by being silly) she'd calm down and be open to my love and fatherly nurture. It takes time and patience. It takes love no matter what.
This time around has been different. I was able to hold Violet all the way through our China trip. We were doing fairly well. There were even times where she seemed to be more comfortable with Baba than Mama. She's not as clingy as Mia was.
When we got home, things changed for me. She was immediately enamored with her siblings. (and who can blame her!? They are AWESOME! and FUN!) She lets them pick her up and sometimes even kiss her. At the same time, I lost all "privileges." It took five days before I could hold her again without her crying. And it's slow going since.
It makes sense. I went back to work immediately. I've been able to spend less time with her than anyone in the family. There are times where I may get a smile. She may say hello or bye bye to me. But I don't get much more. And she won't let me give much either. No hugs. No kisses. She often cringes when I try to touch her arm or her hair.
The only time this has been different has been OUT of the house with no kids around. That's happened twice. Once at the doctor last week and then at the doctor today. At the doctor last week she let me hold her and be silly with her. She let me in a little.
Today was very hard. Very, very hard. I could see it coming. I was nervous about it. I was going to take her (by myself) to her pediatrician appointment. It did not start well. Mama had told her what was going to happen. When the moment came, she physically retreated and scowled at me. When she wouldn't walk with me, I picked her up. When I picked her up, she wailed. and wailed. and flailed. and wailed. I got her outside and put her down. She sat down still wailing. I picked her up and put her in the car. She wailed. I buckled her seat belt. She screamed. I closed the door. She wailed. and wailed. I got into the drivers seat. And cried.
It was horrible. Yes, it hurts to be rejected. And it hurts to see someone you love so upset and to know that you are the immediate cause of this misery. As she wailed and I cried, I tried to remember that this was normal. She's the one who was initially rejected (for whatever reason) by those she trusted most dearly. She's the one whose whole life has been turned upside down several times. I'm practically a stranger. Putting her in a car to take her who-knows-where.
J came out to reassure both of us. I've repeated the "We'll get there" mantra to myself all day. It was awful. It's awful to see her perfectly happy with everyone--but me. It's awful to see her go from that happy smile--to fear and wailing--because of me.
I drove to the doctor (thankfully about a two minute drive through the neighborhood) as she wailed the whole way and tears streamed down my own face. "We'll get there......We'll get there."
We got to the parking lot. I opened the door. She climbed out and collapsed into a heap on the pavement, sobbing. I picked her up and walked toward the office door. She seemed to realize she'd be with other people. It was almost as though she willed herself to stop. She wiped her tears. She calmed down. We went inside.
The staff was great. They could see, and I briefly shared what was going on. They were very patient and compassionate. And Violet was GREAT! She did everything they asked of her. While we were waiting alone together for the doctor, I pulled out the phone and showed her a picture of her that J put on the blog. She's sitting at the Piano. She was curious. She looked and smiled. She wanted to see more. She saw the pics J put on of their haircuts. She smiled some more. And she warmed up to me. A little anyway. Enough that she smiled sheepishly at me a few times. Enough that she held up her arms for me to carry her when it was time to go. That's something. "We'll get there."
It really will take time. And patience. And love. Love that can't always be shown except through quietly waiting. It will take effort. I'll need to work really hard to create those times to be together without siblings. But "We'll get there."
Haircuts!
Both girls were in desperate need of haircuts. Mia's been growing hers to look like Rapunzel (oh my). And Violet? Let's call what she came with "a shag" (ahem)
Since Violet likes to try new things, we went for it! I took them to my hairdresser and they treated those girls like princesses. They were tickled pink to have a blowdry! I didn't realize how much eye contact it would give Vivi and I. She and I communicated quite a bit as we watched Mia go first. And then we used the mirror to communicate how long Vivi thought her hair should be. Violet was sad to see Mia loose her length and both girls are already plotting to grow their hair long again.
You can lead a horse to water....
I couldn't resist snapping a few shots at breakfast this am.
She looks so much older! sniff sniff
"Hey! Don't we look good, too?!"
I love how Violet adores Mia.
Too sweet for words.
Since Violet likes to try new things, we went for it! I took them to my hairdresser and they treated those girls like princesses. They were tickled pink to have a blowdry! I didn't realize how much eye contact it would give Vivi and I. She and I communicated quite a bit as we watched Mia go first. And then we used the mirror to communicate how long Vivi thought her hair should be. Violet was sad to see Mia loose her length and both girls are already plotting to grow their hair long again.
You can lead a horse to water....
I couldn't resist snapping a few shots at breakfast this am.
She looks so much older! sniff sniff
"Hey! Don't we look good, too?!"
I love how Violet adores Mia.
Too sweet for words.
3.07.2012
11 Weeks
(R) So last Saturday marked eleven straight weeks with another adult living in our home. Jessemyn's brother was with us from mid-December to right before we went to China. My parents were here for the China trip. Then J's brother came back to meet Violet. Finally, J's mother flew in to help us out our first week back.
As we've said before, we are blessed with amazing support from our family. It was wonderful to have my brother-in-law here. He was so great with our kids and so helpful to us in the weeks before the trip. My parents were so gracious to come and endure the long haul jumping into our crazy schedule and beautifully caring for our kids while we were away. And WOW! We are so grateful to my mother-in-law for coming up rather short notice to help us while we re-acclimated to life in CT. We could not have done this without you all! THANK YOU!
With that said......Eleven weeks is a l-o-n-g time to have other adults living in your home. As great and helpful as it was--it was nice on Sunday night to be "just us."
But wait....."Just us" was now "the SEVEN of us." and--eleven weeks! that's well past the point where something becomes a habit! What if we got used to....as in DEPENDENT on those extra set(s) of adult hands? An extra driver? An extra cook? an extra..........WHOA!
Maybe we've gotten spoiled. Maybe we're in BIG TROUBLE! :-)
As we've said before, we are blessed with amazing support from our family. It was wonderful to have my brother-in-law here. He was so great with our kids and so helpful to us in the weeks before the trip. My parents were so gracious to come and endure the long haul jumping into our crazy schedule and beautifully caring for our kids while we were away. And WOW! We are so grateful to my mother-in-law for coming up rather short notice to help us while we re-acclimated to life in CT. We could not have done this without you all! THANK YOU!
With that said......Eleven weeks is a l-o-n-g time to have other adults living in your home. As great and helpful as it was--it was nice on Sunday night to be "just us."
But wait....."Just us" was now "the SEVEN of us." and--eleven weeks! that's well past the point where something becomes a habit! What if we got used to....as in DEPENDENT on those extra set(s) of adult hands? An extra driver? An extra cook? an extra..........WHOA!
Maybe we've gotten spoiled. Maybe we're in BIG TROUBLE! :-)
A Big Day
(R) Today was a big day.
In case you hadn't heard, after 14 years, Peyton Manning is no longer an Indianapolis Colt. I've heard clips of his press conference and it was quite moving. It's been fun watching him in the blue and white and we wonder (with all sports-talkers everywhere) where he'll play next.
Granted, his stature has been reduced some, his legacy sullied, by his appearance court-side at Cameron Indoor Stadium, watching UNC's demolition of the Duke Blue-devils. More will need to be learned of his NCAA allegiances before we can know if we can root for him in the future or if he is truly "dead to us."
And speaking of the NCAA. It's MARCH! And, today, the CT Pekaris filled out the mini brackets of the ACC College Basketball Tournament. Many of us have picked UNC, though some believe that FSU will reassert itself and beat the Heels again. Sigh. This was Miss Violet's first opportunity to be part of the beginnings of March madness. She has UNC over Miami in case you were wondering. She picked the numbers not the names. (Go Violet! Go UNC!)
So, as you can see, today was a big day. ;-)
Oh. and the girls got really, really cute haircuts. But I'll leave that story for my wife.
So yes. It was a very big day.
In case you hadn't heard, after 14 years, Peyton Manning is no longer an Indianapolis Colt. I've heard clips of his press conference and it was quite moving. It's been fun watching him in the blue and white and we wonder (with all sports-talkers everywhere) where he'll play next.
Granted, his stature has been reduced some, his legacy sullied, by his appearance court-side at Cameron Indoor Stadium, watching UNC's demolition of the Duke Blue-devils. More will need to be learned of his NCAA allegiances before we can know if we can root for him in the future or if he is truly "dead to us."
And speaking of the NCAA. It's MARCH! And, today, the CT Pekaris filled out the mini brackets of the ACC College Basketball Tournament. Many of us have picked UNC, though some believe that FSU will reassert itself and beat the Heels again. Sigh. This was Miss Violet's first opportunity to be part of the beginnings of March madness. She has UNC over Miami in case you were wondering. She picked the numbers not the names. (Go Violet! Go UNC!)
So, as you can see, today was a big day. ;-)
Oh. and the girls got really, really cute haircuts. But I'll leave that story for my wife.
So yes. It was a very big day.
Miss Violet
Who is Miss Violet?
Well, we don't know! Ha! Actually, we have a pretty good guess but since we're still barely home, it's not fair of us to jump to conclusions. We remember how we felt when we went to China...overwhelmed with the sensory differences, expectations, food, everything! Poor little Violet came home less than 2 weeks ago and that same week Miss Mia was hospitalized for three days! Talk about confusion and lack of routine! With all that has transpired, we are AMAZED at how well she is doing.
Seriously. Amazed.
She is working her little hardest to figure out our world, learn our language, try our foods. Even when we try to introduce things slowly, she jumps right in. Like when we were home less than 48 hours and she decided to go to church and FaithQuest with her siblings. And like 9 days into being home when she decided to join them and sing a song in ENGLISH in front of the whole church. This one likes a challenge.
Which is probably why we have already found her trying to skateboard! Have we mentioned she has ONE FOOT? Hello?!
Much to our surprise, she loves all things girly. Each night she begs to pick out a dress for the next day. She will consent to pants, but pretty much only if they're pink. She loves to look through the hair basket and pick out pretty bows and flowers. And she is in love with her church shoe. Doesn't matter if doesn't match what she's wearing. Its got a flower with rhinestones! She wears it everywhere.
She is tinkled pink (of course) to wear the dance leotards and tutus. And a new crown with ribbons from her grandma.
Happily for the boys, despite her love for frill and fuss...she is very like her sister in that she loves adventure! Climbing trees? Bring it on! Sliding down the stairs? How fast can we go! We predict she'll love amusement parks. Watch out Disney! She's going to go from the princess castle to the roller coasters and love everything in between!
Now for the words that stir fear into the heart of every parent...
This girl is S.M.A.R.T.
As in, has figured out the password and unlocked the music on my ipad. As in, figured out the code to our security box in the hotel and brought us our passports. As in, HEARD HER BROTHER PLAY A SONG HE WROTE ON THE PIANO AND TAUGHT IT TO HERSELF and plays it with fingers half the size of other people. And I'll just mention it was all in a minor key.
Crazy smart.
Which is dangerous. Its the smart ones that can run circles around parents. Uh-Oh.
As for temperament, she still fluctuates between quiet and super silly. We're guessing she's going to end up somewhere happily in the middle once she explores more of her new world, feels secure in our love and her place in our family, and is less overwhelmed by the sights, sounds, and smells of her new life.
We feel blessed to have Violet in our family and are so excited to see her story unfold!
Well, we don't know! Ha! Actually, we have a pretty good guess but since we're still barely home, it's not fair of us to jump to conclusions. We remember how we felt when we went to China...overwhelmed with the sensory differences, expectations, food, everything! Poor little Violet came home less than 2 weeks ago and that same week Miss Mia was hospitalized for three days! Talk about confusion and lack of routine! With all that has transpired, we are AMAZED at how well she is doing.
Seriously. Amazed.
She is working her little hardest to figure out our world, learn our language, try our foods. Even when we try to introduce things slowly, she jumps right in. Like when we were home less than 48 hours and she decided to go to church and FaithQuest with her siblings. And like 9 days into being home when she decided to join them and sing a song in ENGLISH in front of the whole church. This one likes a challenge.
Which is probably why we have already found her trying to skateboard! Have we mentioned she has ONE FOOT? Hello?!
Much to our surprise, she loves all things girly. Each night she begs to pick out a dress for the next day. She will consent to pants, but pretty much only if they're pink. She loves to look through the hair basket and pick out pretty bows and flowers. And she is in love with her church shoe. Doesn't matter if doesn't match what she's wearing. Its got a flower with rhinestones! She wears it everywhere.
She is tinkled pink (of course) to wear the dance leotards and tutus. And a new crown with ribbons from her grandma.
Happily for the boys, despite her love for frill and fuss...she is very like her sister in that she loves adventure! Climbing trees? Bring it on! Sliding down the stairs? How fast can we go! We predict she'll love amusement parks. Watch out Disney! She's going to go from the princess castle to the roller coasters and love everything in between!
Now for the words that stir fear into the heart of every parent...
This girl is S.M.A.R.T.
As in, has figured out the password and unlocked the music on my ipad. As in, figured out the code to our security box in the hotel and brought us our passports. As in, HEARD HER BROTHER PLAY A SONG HE WROTE ON THE PIANO AND TAUGHT IT TO HERSELF and plays it with fingers half the size of other people. And I'll just mention it was all in a minor key.
Crazy smart.
Which is dangerous. Its the smart ones that can run circles around parents. Uh-Oh.
As for temperament, she still fluctuates between quiet and super silly. We're guessing she's going to end up somewhere happily in the middle once she explores more of her new world, feels secure in our love and her place in our family, and is less overwhelmed by the sights, sounds, and smells of her new life.
We feel blessed to have Violet in our family and are so excited to see her story unfold!
3.05.2012
Lots to Say
(R) We do have lots to report from our first week at home, and I promise that we will! But....I really do need to go to bed. Topics to cover include:
- Siblings: The Highs and Lows.
- Hospital and Doctor reports for both girls.
- Getting to know Miss Violet
- Bonding
- "Alone with five kids"
- "The new normal"
- Teaching/Learning English
- In Praise of our kids (so proud of them!)
- Skateboards and tree-climbing.
- and much more!
Jet Lag
(R) We've really done well with the jet-lag over-all. Violet was up the first two nights home at 2am. The second night she went back to sleep in our bed. Since then, she's slept through the night--and so have we! We've felt pretty much on schedule for quite awhile now. That's why I was pretty surprised to find myself asleep on the couch at 8:45 tonight. I don't do that. I don't think that's technically jet-lag over a week later but rather just adjusting to reality. I got up early yesterday for worship prep and early today to exercise. It's catching up with me already. :-)
Mischief and Mayhem
If you give a girl a sister, all kinds of giggly mischief will ensue.
Today, as I tried to restore some state of cleanliness with the vacuum, the girls had a ball with the dress up bin...then snuck into Mama's make-up to add a little glitz to the glamour.
Uh-Oh!
They're lucky they're cute!
Today, as I tried to restore some state of cleanliness with the vacuum, the girls had a ball with the dress up bin...then snuck into Mama's make-up to add a little glitz to the glamour.
Uh-Oh!
They're lucky they're cute!
Stay Tuned!
(R) Our first week back has come and gone, and we know you're anxious to know how it's going. That first week was a BUSY week. We hope to put up some more substantial posts this evening.
Please hang in there! And please keep praying for our whole family as we learn our "new normal."
Thank you!
Please hang in there! And please keep praying for our whole family as we learn our "new normal."
Thank you!
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