Mixed Feelings

They've been brewing for awhile, these mixed feelings.

Since we realized that our hope-to-be daughter was living in "nice" orphanage, I've been struggling with my emotions. Seeing the pictures on the agency's blog confirmed that she is living in the "Taj Mahal" of institutions in China. Not too surprising that our agency was invited to visit.

No one was invited to Miss M's orphanage. In fact, its been rare that anyone has been allowed to visit even if they ask. Nicely. We tried. Several times.

The difference between Miss M's and Miss Soon-to-be's living conditions couldn't be more striking. Miss M's? Break your heart dark. Cold. Hot. Stained white walls. Shared cribs. Crying babies. Few toys. Floors of children. Waiting.

We received pictures of Miss M's first home. One is etched in my mind. It's the one that I see when I close my eyes. It's of her crib. An old, wooden slatted crib next to many others. Behind it is a grayed white wall. An old, metal fan is attached above her bed and the cord dangles down to plug in. That's it. No color. No pictures. Nothing. Just a cord. And blank white walls. I imagine my daughter in that room and I grieve. I ache for what she lacked.

I look at the pictures of Miss Soon-to-Be's orphanage and I'm so happy that she has color surrounding her. And a decent bed. And toys to play with. So very happy for her.

But at the same time, it brings back all of the ache I feel for Miss M's beginnings. How little she had! How little she saw! And I understand all over again why saving the wrapper of a candy she ate is important to her. Necessary, even. She had nothing. And now she wants to save everything.

Don't misunderstand me. Miss Soon-to-Be needs a FAMILY and nice paint does nothing to cover the reality that a future for her in China with her special needs would be grim. How we can't wait to give her a forever family!

But seeing those "happy pictures"...I find I'm grieving all over again for just how bleak Miss M's beginning years were and I'm so very, very proud of all she's already achieved.

People say children who are adopted are lucky or blessed. That's partly true. They will have families that love them and their needs will likely be met. Most of the world's 147 million orphans will never know those blessings. But the crazy thing is that when you adopt, your heart changes in ways you never expected and you realize that you are the blessed one. Truly.

You Didn't See it From Me

Knowing we can't share the picture of the little one we're hoping to adopt, my heart RACED when I saw the following montage of pictures placed on our agency's new blog.


If you happen to notice an adorable little girl learning a fan dance (with a very Asian hair-do going on!), you might want to stop and stare and her loveliness.

I'm just sayin.

But be warned...you may just fall in love with the children and want to go yourself. You know, to change their world and yours for the better.

I'm just sayin.

Adoption Update

I know we haven't shared much yet about this upcoming adoption. It's because we CAN'T. And boy is it hard! Because our hearts were drawn to a very specific girl that's been waiting a long time for a family, we have to use the agency who holds her file to complete the adoption. They've been wonderful and organized, but they interpret China's rules differently than our last agency did. As in, no sharing pictures for at least four more months! No sending care packages for another 4-6 months. It's a very odd position to be in. We know there's a little girl half a world away living life as she always has who has no idea that there is a family talking about her, praying for her, and deciding who she will sit next to at the table. ;-) How weird that WE know about her, but she doesn't know about us!

And so we wait. Thankfully, with four busy children we are distracted!

Here are some things we CAN share:

**She has a very sweet Chinese name. We will keep it as her middle name and give her an English first name. It's already picked out, but you'll have to wait a little longer to hear it!

**She is 5 years old, two weeks older than Miss M. (Miss M does not think that's fair, by the way!)

**She lives in what appears to be a "nicer" orphanage now, but we are not sure that has always been the case.

**She attends school and can read simple words in Chinese, count, and sing.

**Her favorite things are swinging, puzzles, and playing with dolls. And dancing.

**She is missing a foot and has malformed fingers on both hands.

We'll share more information and pictures as soon as we can. Please pray that her heart begins to yearn for a family of her own. Pray also for little M. Bringing another child home is stirring up emotions from her own adoption. We are praying that God will use this second adoption to help heal some of the hurts and fears Miss M carries. Thanks.

Wonderful Father's Day (cont)

Hamming it up...


Check out that face as he carries the water. (click on pic to enlarge)


Still not so sure about how sand feels...(again, click to enlarge)

Wonderful Father's Day (cont)

Wonderful Father's Day (cont)

The older boys took the kayak for a spin too.




Wait...I don't think I'd do that if I were you....










First Kayak Tip in 8 years. Boys. :-)

Wonderful Father's Day

Could it have been any better? Really? wow. What a great day. I am truly blessed to be a dad.

The day began with worship of our Heavenly Father through whom all good things come.

It continued with a trip to the beach: Hammonasset Beach State Park.

I had a really nice chat with my dad as the kids began to play. I always miss my dad at the beach. He's the one who got me hooked on the sand and the salt air. Ahhh. Wish you were here today, dad!

We went for a stroll as the kids hunted for crabs in the rocks.





I finally (!) embarked on the 2011 maiden kayak voyage.






(to be continued)