Leave It All Behind

One of the best things of being one year post adoption is that Violet has enough language to begin to talk about her past.  She's blocked a lot out or simply doesn't remember, but there are little triggers that spark a memory from time to time.

Today as we spent the morning together we were talking about dolls and other special stuffed buddies.  She quietly said, "I miss my teddy bear."  HUH?

"You miss your teddy bear?"

Nodding.  "I miss my teddy bear.  The one I sleep with."

But she came WITH a stuffed buddy.  "You mean the white guy upstairs?" I asked, referring to the Japanese animae style creature she had in her plastic bag when we met her all those months ago.

"No.  My teddy bear.  That not my bear."

Thoroughly confused, but not wanting to put words in her mouth, I repeated what she said.  She explained that the orphanage workers wouldn't let her bring her teddy bear when she was given to us.

Are you kidding me? 

She got out her special China book that I made for her for gotcha day last month.  She very carefully turned the pages until she pointed to this one.

"See?  That's my teddy bear.  It's still on my bed.  Maybe another boy or girl will sleep with it."

No WONDER she didn't seem to care a hoot when we gave her the fake lovie in the hotel.  No wonder she didn't want it when she was teary.  No wonder she hasn't looked at it once since being home. 

Have I mentioned how BIG this thing is?  I could've fit a Keurig in my suitcase in its place.  We lugged that thing through every security check point in our carry ons from here to Timbuktu.

Let me be clear.  I would've left ANYTHING of my own to make room for her teddy bear.  And had I known when we stood in her orphanage the following day staring at her very bear propped perfectly on the bed waiting for its next owner, I would've offered any amount of money to the orphanage director to leave with that bear in hand. 

Even now I have tears and anger at the injustices of the world.  This baby girl is enduring the hardest thing in her life to date (and it's all been hard) and she can't even have her TEDDY BEAR!  No wonder her absolute favorite character is Winnie the Pooh.

And what makes me even madder is that for an entire year this precious little child has tried to be so tough and independent. 

I think about how every night she painstakingly arranges her new dolls and lovies, each one preciously given a place of honor on her bed or in her doll cradle.  Each arranged just so...with little blankets of their own or books propped into their laps.

No WONDER she has started talking to an imaginary friend.  You can't take THAT away.

Be still my heart.