Sometimes there are no words

When you're in the raising...in the feeding, and the dressing, and the washing, and the kissing, and the  reading and the all around busyness...you can sometimes forget that you're caring for little ones with a story.  It comes on all of a sudden.  Mia will move her head just right, her hair will swing over shoulders and I know it isn't far away.  I see a glimpse of her as a teen and I know the years are spinning fast.   Her innocent world isn't going to stay so innocent. Soon the hard questions will come.  She's asked easy ones.  Like this week when she actually asked,

"Mom?  Am I Italian?"

Perhaps we're playing too much Pavarotti.

"Um, no, sweetheart.  You're Chinese.  Remember?"

And she giggles all silly like.  And I know she's starting to ponder it all.  We've been talking openly about her adoption since she came into our family.  Same with Violet.   So far, Mia has been content to think momentarily about having lived somewhere other than here.  She doesn't like to talk about being with another mom.  It's still just above her comprehension level.  She asked me today if you eat a seed that plants a baby inside you.  Baby steps.

But Violet?  I can't say life has been harder for her than for Mia.  But different, definitely.  Being older at adoption means she remembers more.  Knows enough to know that life doesn't always make sense.  That sometimes people leave.   And sometimes people come.  And sometimes they don't.  And maybe it's all just random.  And maybe none of it makes any sense.  And maybe the only person you can really depend on is yourself.

When I look in the dark pools of their eyes, I'm at a loss for what I'll say as the bigger, harder questions come.  Tonight I read this:

http://raisingbluebirds.blogspot.com/p/about-me.html

and I found a few more words.

Please read it.  Please.  And please promise me that you will never, never say the word abandoned around my daughters.  Because we don't know.  Their first mothers could have risked their very lives carrying them to term, giving birth, placing them somewhere to be found, watching to make sure they were swept up.  And while we may be tempted to wonder, "How could they do that?"  the words I want to say and think and feel and believe are of how they did more for these girls than I ever could.  They gave them life.  For that they deserve every ounce of love and gratitude that my heart can express.  And while I'm not trying to weave a fairy tale, I hope I can give my girls the freedom to love their first mothers fiercely.

I used to fear open adoption.  I've come to realize the blessing of maybe having answers.  Even if the answers are hard.  Because the not knowing of closed international adoptions isn't easier.

Whose eyes do you have?
Whose nose?
Whose laugh?
Who gave you the most spectacular sense of slap stick humor?
Who whispered you were brave?
Who begged you to be strong?
Who promised never to forget you?
Who thinks of you every year on your birthday?
And every night before she sleeps?
And every time someone asks if she has children?

Tonight I'm going to sleep thinking of them.  And I wonder...do they think of our girls?

Because how could they not?

Only Gabe

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?" reads Gabe.  "Wow.  That's a good price for a pet."

Perhaps the book of Matthew is a bit beyond him right now???  8)

Weekend View

It's been another full weekend around here.  Gabe's playing indoor soccer (and their team is tied for first so he's pretty stoked).  He's been playing left forward and getting really good at perfectly placing assists for the striker to power in.  Noah's playing basketball in the town rec league.  His team is the Hoosier's.  Unfotunately, they're not quite like their namesake and have lost every game.  Good thing Noah is an optimist!

I got to enjoy a catch-up brunch with one of my favorite people in the world on Saturday.  Love that! Had some awesome worship on Sunday where God graced me with a glimpse of his glory.  INCREDIBLE.   Studied God's holiness.  Beyond description to consider.  Now reading The Holiness of God by R.C. Sproul.

A birthday party for a cute two year old and the Bronchos/Patriots game rounded the weekend out.

PHEW!

Thank The Lord for a holiday today!

We're expecting a big snowstorm tomorrow.  Noah's got midterms that he actually WANTS to take because he studied (insert parental cheers and ovation) so hopefully he can get those in before the snow flies.

But poor Violet....if everyone is sledding and she can't, how sad she will be!  If I know her brothers, they'll be devising a way to transport in the snow and make her part of the fun somehow.  Or maybe she will be mom's hot chocolate helper inside.  :-)

Oh!  And Violet rocked the wheelchair at church on Sunday.  I wasn't sure how she would feel going in....remember this is the girl who HID behind my legs for weeks because of her limb differences during her first couple of surgeries....who hid her hands at every opportunity....but this week?  No way!  She was all smiles.  I gave her a few choices of where we could sit.  And what did she pick?  RIGHT UP FRONT with Mr. Bob, a man in our church who also uses a wheelchair to get around.  She couldn't wait to show him hers.  Next week?  They're racing.  :-)