Parenting a Newly Adopted Child

I have so much to say and share, so much to update all of you on...but time is definitely a precious commodity in the Pekari home and right now our children need most of it.  Thanks for being patient as we work through our first month home with Levi...

I'm sure it may not make sense unless you have lived in an adopting family, but when a new person is added in, things do not quickly fall into place.  The best way I can describe it is to liken it to having a newborn.  The entire family's world is turned upside down and only God knows exactly how it will look when He is done with the transition.  There are already so many wonderful signs that God is working all things out for good!

Levi is wonderful.  Levi is a treasure.  Levi is a gift.  But Levi is  not a happy, healthy almost four year old boy.  Levi is a precious child who, in many ways, is very much like a baby...Here is the best way I can give you a picture to explain it...before this month, Levi had never felt WIND.  Last week, as we sat in our yard playing at the water table, a breeze blew up.  Levi froze.  His adorable eyebrows furrowed in the way we've learned means, "I'm trying to figure this out and I'm not sure about it."  The breeze blew a little stronger and his hand went out, pointing frantically at the leaves on the tree as Mandarin questions flew out of his mouth.  It was painstakingly obvious that he had no idea what was happening and was unnerved by the sensation.

When was the last time you met a four year old who hadn't felt a gentle breeze?

It is like this about so many things...water from a faucet, a toilet that flushes, clean clothes every day.  Simply by virtue of living in a home with a family, he must constantly experience and learn new things....even when we are staying home and keeping things low key.  And it is exhausting for him.  That's why we are "cocooning" as much as possible, staying at home almost all of the time, while he gets used to the sensations around him and begins to learn he is safe.

Rest assured this is all very normal when adopting internationally and we were anticipating exactly this.  We are not at all surprised.  However, it's still exhausting.  Remember the newborn analogy?  It still holds true.  Having a newborn baby is incredible, such a gift!  But we all know how tired new moms are!  :-)

Is Levi worth it?  ABSOLUTELY!

It is a very unique thing to parent a child who is "so big" and yet "so very young" at the same time.  It means we must assume that everything he experiences is a first.  Even if he has experienced it before coming home, he experienced it without CONTEXT.  For example, he may have seen toys, but most likely there were not enough, the rules were survival of the fittest, or they may have been kept put away simply because there were not enough.  That is not how it works in a loving family.  There are toys and they are to be shared and sometimes there are too many choices!  Another example, is physical touch.  Was he hugged or held?  If so, how and by whom?  Does he fear touch?  Food is another common area where there are differences...Was there enough food?  Were there ever choices?  Did he ever learn what it feels like to have enough and stop eating on his own?  What were the rules around food?  Did he eat at a table?  Does he use a spoon or chopsticks?  What about sensations like
feeling running water, running in grass, walking barefoot outside, touching a stuffed animal?

As you can see, the examples go on and on...so while we have a son who is almost 4, he is more like a 2.5 year old developmentally because he has simply had so many missed experiences already.  Again, we anticipated this.

But HE didn't because he had no idea what was going to happen to him and even if he did, he wouldn't know what it meant because he was too little.  It is completely overwhelming to be brought to an entirely new country with new people and new experiences.  And while we like to think that he likes us, he has to be EXHAUSTED from constantly trying to decode what people are saying, figure out what people are doing, and wondering what on earth will happen next.  He has had a few meltdowns this past week...deservedly so.  Each time has been over something either we or he didn't understand.  How wonderful it will be when we share a common language!

He has been an absolutely trooper.  He is a beautifully curious little boy with a smile that melts us all.  He excitedly anticipates when his siblings will be home from school and gasps in delight when they appear.  (It will take a looooong time until he trusts that when people leave, they return).  He tries new foods and gives sweet hugs and a few select kisses to mom.  Baba is still THE MAN in Levi's eyes.  He still panics when Baba is gone too long and he can only sleep at night if Baba puts him to bed.  Without him, he is still terrified.  I was in this position with Mia for YEARS so I remember how tiring it can be to be the parent who is always needed.  Randall is handling it so well.  I've seen him get teary when Levi lifts his little arms to him in desperation after Randall has been away at work...neither of us feel worthy of the affection Levi is already showing us...knowing his story, we would understand if he would NEVER trust anyone again....and while right now Levi clings to Randall more out of desperation than love, we are thankful he clings to us at all...in time, love will come, we pray.

So that's the skinny for now.  Please keep praying for all of us.  Pray that God would strengthen Randall and I to meet the needs of six very different kids.  Pray that Randall would be able to meet the needs of our church at the same time.  Pray that Levi would know, truly know, just how loved he is.

Thank you!