Clinging to the Vine

Man, Satan knows how to discourage me.  He knows just what buttons to push to make me want to curl up in a little ball and cry or to run away from it all.  He knows my weaknesses and goes after those soft spots over and over again.  Scare my girls.  Mess with my husband.  Tempt my teenager.  Wiggle in my bank accounts.  He pulls new tricks, but the strategy is always the same...discourage me until I'm so weighed down I can't look up.

I want to quit.

Ever been there?

I want to eat a bowl of brownie batter or throw up depending on the minute.  I want to scream and cry simultaneously.  And I wonder

what is it like for those who don't follow Christ?

But not in the good "how to people survive without Jesus?" kind of way.

I have a friend who is a new believer.  The last three years of her life have been beyond hard.  As in, lost almost every relationship close to her since coming to faith.  And yet, she says she would never go back because she knows what it's like without Him.  She knows the darkness and the hopelessness.  She remembers.


On days like today, I wonder what it would be like to give up public ministry and radical obedience to Christ and to live for myself.  That kind of wondering.

What would it feel like to say whatever I wished?
What would it feel like to work outside the home rather than staying home to care for His kids?
What would it feel like to spend my money however I chose rather than how God says to share?

Is Satan so busy with messing with believers that I'd have a reprieve?

I know these are dangerous questions and it concerns me that I even have them in my head, but honestly...

Do you ever wonder what another life is like?

Ask my husband and he will tell you he never ever considers it.  And you know what?  It's true.  Even though he goes through the same and sometimes more than I do, he will never

never

disown his God or his calling.  His heart is steadfast.  He will follow the Lord no matter how beaten down and wounded He becomes.  He will fall at his feet before Jesus and beg for His mercy until his final breath.

That's my husband.  And that's why I love him.

He reminds me that we will get through this.  He points me to when God has been faithful to us in the past.  He points me to Bible passages that promise that God is FOR us and will not abandon us.  He clings to the vine.

It makes me want to cling, too. 

Will tomorrow be better?  Will Satan throw yet another dart?  I don't know.  But I know one important thing.

I'm glad God made chocolate.  It's perfect for the brownie batter I'm about to consume.