Mia Turns 6

Some kids get a little...shall we say...antsy before the holidays. Not our Mia. There's no way to get worked up about Christmas because she's too busy getting excited about her birthday!
She's been looking forward to getting her ears pierced FOREVER. It was time. And boy, does she like the sparkle! She got a bit nervous in the middle, but then fell in love. She checked them out in the handheld mirror...and EVERY mirror between the piercing pagoda and mall exit. Let me tell you, that's a LOT of mirrors!

Of course, there was a mermaid cake...which we all felt really weird about setting on fire with candles. Here we are walking in with a woman being engulfed in flames...kinda strange. But she loved it! She especially loved the gifts sent from family far away.
Happy Birthday, Sugarplum!

Be the Difference

I can't think of a better Christmas present

Be The Difference from Videos for AGCI on Vimeo.

Christmas Cookies Anyone?

For those of you who have kept up with our fundraising attempts on the sidebar, you'll see that we've raised over $2,000 for the Halloran family. When you add in checks, the total is closer to $3,000! It's not $15,000, but it's a start!

To keep our efforts going, three families from our church (our family,the Pelley family, and the Halloran family) are all selling homemade, decorated cookies for Christmas! Give yourself some free time for just $25 per dozen! If you need some cookies in your neck of the woods, leave a comment and I'll hook you up!

Holiday Challenge

This year, more than ever before, I'm profoundly moved by the blessings in my life. Instead of simply the bare minimum of food, shelter, and safe water to stay alive, my heavenly Father has given me good things in abundance! Friends. Family. Faith. Gifts like laughter and sunsets, music, and dancing. Blessings for today and promises of tomorrow.

And in the midst of it all, I am challenged to ask myself

What am I doing with it?

Did God give me these gifts to enjoy? Yes! It makes him smile to see me enjoy them.

But is that the only reason he gave them to me? I don't think so.

I just finished reading "Kisses from Katie," the true story of a young woman who moved all alone to Uganda to care for some of the world's most physically impoverished children. She had little to share and little experience. She had only just finished high school! And yet, she gave what she had...the love of Jesus...to hundreds of children there and is still doing it! Because she gave all of herself, lives are being saved!

I'm in a season of life it seems God will not let me escape until I grasp something central to the heart of faith...what I have...these blessings I've been given, this life that I possess...is not solely for my benefit and gain...I've been ENTRUSTED with these things to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a broken world.

So many well-meaning people gently (and not so gently) encourage me to keep more of what we have for ourselves. But really, I have a hard time imagining that when I someday stand before Jesus I will think,

"Gosh! I really wish I had kept more things to myself!"

Instead, like a selfish toddler I want to hoard things. To store things away "just in case". I'm a recovering worry addict. What if things go wrong? What if I NEED it?

But God has promised to provide EVERYTHING I need! Do I trust Him or not?

There is a fine line between good stewardship and selfishness. So often I succumb to America's definition of good stewardship, not God's. I give myself reasons why my wants are okay to fulfill while thousands of children die every day from HUNGER.

This holiday season, I'm thankful for all that I have. How generous our God is! But I'm also challenged to have that same generous heart with others. The coming celebration of Christmas reminds me that He will come again! I want to make the most of every moment I'm given to make sure as many as possible have reason to rejoice on that day!

Introducing...Violet Xin Ni

Thanks to three beautiful letters we received yesterday...LOA...we can now officially share our newest treasure with you.

Welcome, Violet Xin Ni!

(March 2011)

This past winter, a little face with a chipmunk grin stole my heart. I began praying that she would find a family. Little did I know, we would be the answer to that prayer!

(Referral picture)

Violet's paperwork shared some absolutely heart-wrenching details. Details that are hers alone to share when and if she chooses someday. But one thing brought tears to my eyes. Her favorite thing to do is dance. Can you imagine? After all she's been through to find any joy, any ability to still find pleasure in life...such courage astounds me. And dancing can't be easy for Violet. You see, she has NO FOOT. And yet she dances.

As I read her information and looked at her sweet face I couldn't help but think of the Scripture that reads

"You've turned my mourning into dancing again. You've lifted my sorrow. I can't stay silent. I will sing for your joy has come."

We can't WAIT to introduce Violet to the best reason to rejoice! Jesus!


If all goes smoothly, we'll be traveling to China in 10-12 weeks to hold her for the first time. We.can't.wait.

If you're curious about how our family got to this point, you can click on the Journey to Violet tab on the top of the page!

God's loving it

This week I learned that a church in Florida will have a door offering to raise money for the Halloran family in response to our plea. Will your church do the same? Will you ask? And will you pray that hearts are moved?

I imagine the face of the Father as he sees His children all over the world sharing what they have to make a difference. I just know He is so delighted! Can't you just imagine him saying, "I love when they love others like that." :-)

Remember?

The past 10 days are like out of a dream. As many of you have heard, CT had significant power outages, thanks to a freak mild snow in late October. More than 850,000 people were without power, including over 90 percent of our town. All the towns neighboring ours experienced the same.

We were cold. Like shivering, wear your hat and gloves in the house cold.

We were keeping food cold in snow and cooking on a camp stove meant to roast maybe 2 hot dogs at a time.

Some of our friends had no water. And no way to give breathing treatments to their children with asthma.

Generators were sold out as far as Pennsylvania and gas lines in the stations that were open were up to 2 hours long.

We were heating our home with firewood until we nearly ran out and decided to hightail it to Vermont, thanks to the generosity of relatives who shared their cabin with us.

Day after day we waited for power. Some people worked in the middle of it all. Others couldn't since it took so much effort to care for our families. And it made many of us remember

Millions of people live this way every day. Month after month. Year after year. Many of them until they die of painful diseases or malnutrition.

And yet it doesn't have to be that way.

One of the beautiful things we saw this week was the love people showed towards each other. Sharing wood. Sharing food. Sharing blankets. One friend who was in the minute percentage with power was single handedly cooking for six families, delivering hot meals from the trunk of her car! And it made me think

Why don't we share more with others? All of us.

It's no secret that we're a wealthy country. And yet we treat our finances as if our money belonged to us and not to God. We feel good when we donate to a charity at the holidays. Or give our tithe at church. Don't we think it's possible that God has blessed us so that we can learn how to care for others? To be His hands and feet to the world? And do we so easily ignore or forget His command to care for widows and orphans?

On the sidebar, you'll see I'm collecting money for a family trying to make a difference in the lives of two girls with special needs. Girls the world has forgotten. Children society has deemed without value.

This family should travel in 3 months or less and yet they are without the funds to do it! The sidebar isn't entirely accurate as several people have given generous donations through our church in response to this plea...but they're still more than $13,500 short!

Friends, PLEASE help me spread the word about this family. PLEASE don't leave these girls without hope. My heart grieves for their future apart from a home. Apart from Jesus.

I honestly wonder how we would've fared without friends and family this week. And we live in AMERICA! These girls live in communist China! We have the opportunity to ransom two souls and to share the precious truth of God's love with them. Does anything have greater value than that?

I want to remember what it was like to be without.

So that I remember those in need.

Will you join me? Any gift through the chip in button on the top will help! If you're uncertain about donating online, post a comment and I'll share how you can give through our local church.

I just know God is going to provide these funds. Thanks in advance for loving these girls!

Desensitized

I'm going to share a secret with you. I check the Chip In Widget on the side bar of this blog multiple times per day. I am SO excited to see God provide for this family through people like us.

I'm going to share another secret. I was disappointed to see that we still have so far to go. I've been wondering,

What will it take for people to give?

More compelling text?

A give away?

How can people turn their eyes away from an urgent need like this? We're talking about two girls that no one wants! We're talking about girls with special needs that deem them unlucky, contagious, and without value in the culture of China!

These precious girls have value for the same reason that you and I have value...because God MADE us! God LOVES us! His love for us gives us worth and it's the same for them!

So what keeps people from giving?

Fear? Selfishness? Desensitization?

All these things I've been pondering and had begun formulating into a post when

God asked me

"What about YOU, Jessemyn?"

What keeps YOU from doing more? Sharing more? Loving more?

Fear? Selfishness? Desensitization?

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

But what does this say about my faith in God? If faith is TRUSTING in One that I cannot see, then do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I trust that He will provide for all of my needs? If so, then why do I feel I must hoard my possessions? And aren't they His in the first place?

The prayer, "Break my heart, God, for the things which break yours" is a life-changing request. If we are to truly be like Christ, we must have complete confidence in our heavenly Father and be completely submitted to His will.

"Religion that our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after widows and orphans in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (James 1:27)

I've been so moved by the first part of this verse that I haven't stopped to consider how the second part so beautifully ties into it.

What does the world say?

Look out for yourself.

Take care of yourself; no one else will.

Life is about your personal happiness.

This morning I see how easy it is to be polluted by the world. To have my thinking subtly challenged. To wonder, "Did God REALLY say..."

The truth is that God is so worthy of my trust! Isn't that what Jesus showed us? His complete and perfect submission to the Father perfectly demonstrated that God can be trusted in all things! For our security. For our provision. For our future.

THAT is the real motivation to live for Christ! His love is so awe-inspiring we can't help but respond! Knowing who He is moves us to our knees and compels us to live our lives for His glory!

I can't think of a better way of showing His glory than by coming alongside those in need and as we feed, clothe, and love them. And while doing so, to whisper

You are God's child! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! And He can't wait to spend eternity with you!

God, move us to action! Remove our fear and doubt. Give us deeper faith and greater courage. Use us to love your people. Not out of guilt. Out of love. Your love. Perfect love. World-changing love.

Help Bring these Girls Home!

I am so excited to share with you about a very special family. For safety's sake, I've omitted their true names, but I promise....they're real people with a very real need.

Earlier this year, God began to put adoption on my dear friend V's heart.


It made no earthly sense.

They already have two beautiful, well-behaved, easy-going girls. I mean, why mess with that, right?

Their schedule is busy, with S working more than full-time so that V can homeschool their daughters.

Money is tight.

But friends, V pressed forward. Instead of listening to the reasons it seemed crazy, she asked her husband. And his response? "What took you so long?" (Don't you just LOVE that?!)

They fell in love with a 10 year old girl with cerebral palsy that the world had given up on.

and quickly learned that her best friend was also waiting for a family. Together, they would soon be past the legal age for adoption in China (14)...aging alone in a country where physical deformities are shamed and love is withheld.


How did the H's respond? They filed paperwork to adopt them BOTH!

You see, this family doesn't live in fear. They know that God is bigger. And those reasons that seem to say the idea of adopting is crazy? God showed them that they were some of the very ways God has PREPARED them for this journey.

Instead of worrying that their amazing daughters will be hurt, they choose to think their daughters will be fabulous role models and wonderful friends for their new sisters.

Because V is already an at-home mom, these girls that are developmentally delayed will have the benefit of one on one instruction and the blessing of growing as slowly or quickly as they need.

And money being tight? This family already knows how to pinch a penny. It's been amazing to see how God has honored their faithful walk, by providing much of the needed expenses for their adoption already.

But they still need more help. The cost to adopt both of the girls will be over $40,000! God has provided nearly $25,000 already. Yeah, God! But their adoption will be finalized soon and they still need $15,000. Let's help raise the last $15,000!

If their story moves your heart,
If you can't adopt but feel a burden to help others who can,
If you want to offer hope to some of the least of these,

Click the ChipIN Button at the top right of the page. Note, your payment will say that it is going to a "Deborah Migneault". This is correct; she's helping me spread the word!

Who do you know who might also be moved to help? Your friends? Your church? A MOMS club? A book group?

Join in! Every little bit will help!

Thank you isn't enough...but really...I know these girls will thank you...

just as soon as we get them home!

Logged In!

Oh, yeah! After rejoicing with friends as they received official notice of their dossiers reaching China, we waited for ours. And waited. And waited.

Yesterday we received an email that China HAD indeed logged us in, on September 26th! They just didn't tell our agency.

Next step to Violet Xin Ni...the LOA!

Tears in the Rain

This afternoon, I got to learn

Again

Just how hard parenting adopted children can be.

Mia has formed a bad habit of complaining.

I’m sure it has something to do with asserting her independence after years of major compliance in our home since her adoption. I’m sure it also has something to do with just plain old sin.

Last week when Mia was at the hospital for her latest transfusion, we ordered dinner from the cafeteria, but finished the transfusion before it arrived. Miss M was a mess about leaving the unseen pasta. No amount of discussion was working so I offered to make mac and cheese at home VERY SOON.

Speed time to this afternoon. I’m getting things ready for dinner while making homemade chocolate chip cookies to give to a friend. Mia is my helper. But before long, the complaining began.

“I don’t like THOSE noodles.”
“Why can’t I have MORE chocolate chips?”
“How come Jo Jo gets the bowl and I get the beater?”

And on and on.

Finally, I reached my breaking point.

“Mia, I have heard enough complaining. You are done helping me in the kitchen right now. You must go outside and play. When you have a happy heart, you are welcome to come back in and try again.”

You would think I asked the child to walk through a blizzard barefoot. The sobbing. The absolute meltdown.

Her brothers were outside. She was not being sent out alone. She was being dismissed from my presence for being intolerable.

And what did she do?

She walked right out the back door, through our back fence, and up the hill behind our house. Out of sight. And right as she went out, her brothers came in the front door. I was busy making and baking and hustling to get everything done and it took me several minutes to find out what had happened. I sent a brother out after her, but it took a bit to get the boy clued in on what was happening.

By then it was raining. Softly, but raining.

Several minutes later, my husband appeared at the front door holding a sobbing Mia. He found her standing near the church behind our home, alone on a sidewalk, standing in the rain, and crying. Paralyzed and unable to move. The tears of defiance had changed to ones of utter sadness and pain. The kind of pain Mia finds no words to express. The same pain that we see at night. As her Baba held her, she sobbed, huge tears rolling down her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. Wordless when it often counts the most, she was unable to speak. Unable to share what was going on in her world. And so she remained in her daddy’s arms for awhile. Crying.

Our best guess is that she was absolutely overwhelmed with the emotions of the experience…mom saying she had had enough of a bad behavior and being dismissed from her presence…then finding herself alone…and unsure what to do…still mad at the world that she couldn’t have her way and then realizing what it had cost…and not feeling confident enough in our love to find her way back home. Or not really wanting to. Or a little bit of both. It was quite the symbolic place to be found really, halfway between our kitchen and her Baba’s office.

And that is why parenting a hurt child is so darn hard.

There are no easy answers. There are no easy parenting steps. There are so many unknowns about the past that affect behavior in the present. You can’t assume anything with an adopted child. Is she sure that you love her? Who knows! Sure that you will KEEP loving her? Who knows! Sure that you will even KEEP HER? Who knows!

Are children resilient? I hate that phrase. Can they play and look like others? Sure. But deep down, there are psychological wounds that only the Ultimate Physician can heal. And his timing? Now I’m the one who doesn’t know!

Does it scare me to parent a child with these needs? No. Does it break my heart? Yes. And it shows me just how much I need His Spirit in me to patiently help this flower bloom.

Mia, you are precious beyond words. No bad behavior will ever cause me to stop loving you. You have my heart forever.

Let's Make Eyes

Today my daughter got off the bus with a new kind of story.

“Today I sat with ____ and ____.” These are girls she likes a lot. I was happy for her.

Glad to know she was beginning to make some friends.

“They say, ‘let’s make Chinese eyes.” She then proceeded to show me the infamous way to make Western eyes appear more slanted.



I froze. I think my heart stopped beating even. Was it starting already? Was she being made fun of for looking different than some of her peers?

I asked the ever-useful parent response, “So what did you do?”

This is where I should tell you I was already making my mental plan for how to handle this situation with the parents of said children…not that I’m a Mama Bear or anything…

I’ve heard that girls are meaner than boys but KINDERGARTEN?

“So what did you do?”

Without missing a beat she confidently replied, “I say I don’t need to make Chinese eyes. I already HAVE THEM!” And she smiled a huge smile.

I think I kissed her about a hundred times. Maybe more. But who’s counting?
While this story has a happy ending, some day it may not. The girl who already looks in the mirror and wishes her hair looked more like Sleeping Beauty and less like Mulan may very likely go through times where she questions her appearance, or worse. I hope not. I pray not.

The image-obsessed world we live in pounds at the hearts and minds of our daughters. I am forever talking about how what matters most is our hearts…but will it be enough?

My prayer is that the little girl I see who loves everything girly…clothes, shoes, fingernail polish…will one day realize that although these things nice, beautiful even, they are nothing compared to the beauty that comes from a heart in love with Jesus. A heart that longs to serve others. And build others up. And be a friend to the lonely. One who longs with every ounce of her being to meet Jesus someday and hear HIM say, “Let me see those eyes. I love you. Welcome Home.”

First Day, Take Two

Today was another new first for this family..."the big boys" went to new schools!

Noah started high school at a Christian high school in the next town over. His classes include Algebra, Spanish, World History, and Israel and the Prophets. Randall is jealous! Well, of everything except the math class.

As much as we've been trying to prepare for raising a teenager, we're still shocked we're here. Girls are calling! Ahhhhh!

And let's not forget Joe-Cool. Never far from his sunglasses or guitar, this boy is rocking it. He's homeschooling 6th grade this year so that he can be challenged to his ability but work at a bit slower speed. He'll be working through a curriculum that's focused on world missions through intensive geography and culture studies, biographies, and art. Throw in math, grammar, writing and Spanish and it's a full load.

Here's to the school year...and hoping our sanity survives it! :-)

First Day of School for the Littles

Despite having no power at home, school began today for the littlest Pekari's! Gabe was happy to go 3rd grade with "the nicest teacher in the school" and Mia headed out the door to Kindergarten. She is so excited to learn to read, but even more excited to ride the bus!

Mom's losing her babies...sniff sniff.


The big 3rd grader...

Check out the happy anticipation!


Heard from a fellow mom who was at the school this morning that Mia got off the bus grinning ear to ear and that Gabe walked with his arm around her all the way down the hall to her Kindergarten room to make sure she got there safely. Does it get any better than that?

God doesn't need us, either!

How true this is!

http://www.wearegraftedin.com/3368/encore-god-doesnt-need-me/

And There It Is

"Mom? When you and dad, how should I say this, PERISH, can I have the food in the fridge?" Seriously.

Breaking My Heart

Today I had moment to stare at the loveliness that is our newest daughter waiting for us in China. Our agency was recently able to visit her orphanage and sent a short spliced video of her being asked questions that we sent. Had I know we would actually be able to view her answer them, I would've asked more!

She was tender in spirit, sitting so quietly and waiting so patiently. We asked simple get to know you questions, like what she likes to play. And we asked some things that are helpful to know as we prepare to bring her home. Questions about her hands and feet.

And when they were translated into Mandarin, they pulled up her leg and had her extend her arms. Cameras flashed, the video man went in for a close-up. I became sick to my stomach. Not because of her limbs, but because of how it must feel to be treated like you are on display.

Please sit here and let all of us stare at the parts of your body that look different than everyone else.

How must it feel to have everyone gawking at you? Does she wonder if she's good enough? If anyone will want her? That she is somehow wrong? Worth less than others?

Dear Little One,

In our eyes, you are beautiful just as you are. Precious and lovely. How we can't wait to shower you with kisses and show you just how valuable you are! You don't have to earn our love, pass inspection, or meet a standard. Our hearts are already yours. Forever.

Good News!

Today we received the physician's report from Miss M's latest MRI. It showed that the concentration around her organs is now in the NORMAL range for kids with chronic transfusions. Her iron number is literally HALF of what it had previously been. All those overnight stays paid off!

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for her. It makes a difference!

It's Starting

I'm a guard my heart kind of gal. I'll joke with you and I'll talk with you. I'm genuinely interested in others and care deeply about what happens in their lives. But I am not quick to share my heart with others. I've moved too many times. Had my heart broken a few times. And just plain don't like the feeling of being vulnerable.

So when we saw our newest little one's face, I noticed her adorable chipmunk grin and her gentle eyes. I saw her lame foot and I read how her favorite thing is to dance. And I wanted someone to give her a reason to rejoice through dancing. Slowly, we realized that God was calling US to be the ones to welcome her into our family. To stand in the gap, despite our many, many imperfections and failures.

During the months we've completed paperwork, been fingerprinted, invited strangers into our home to ask very personal questions, etc. I've wondered how having her here will change our lives. I've wrestled and prayed about how it will affect both Miss M and G who already vie for my attention on a daily basis. And I know that we will be busier than we can even imagine.

But today I began wondering...what will it feel like to have another little person snuggled in next to me for book time? what will her little hand feel like in mine, deformed and misshapen? will she let me touch her cheek? hold her when she cries?

And with each question, I am falling in love with a little girl halfway around the world whom I don't even know.

It's a scary and wonderful flood of emotions all at once. Scary because she may never return my love. Wonderful because giving yourself to care for a child is incomparable.

Jesus, give me the heart to love this little one freely, with no strings attached. Prepare me to share my very soul with her, to console her in grief, listen to her frustrations, ease her fears. Increase in me as I am incapable of loving wholly without you. Whisper in her ear that someone is coming. Place a longing in her for a family. And let it be us. Be honored in this walk, Father. Amen.

Two Steps Forward

Today we celebrated the baptism of a newly adopted 5 year old in our church. After two years of a roller coaster ride with DCF, little HP now has security and love in a forever family! As the water splashed on her forehead, I couldn't help but imagine just how big the smile was on the face of God.

To celebrate, Miss M wanted to give a gift. I suggested we go the to store and pick something special out. But nope...she wanted to give something of HER OWN. This is Miss M's favorite thing to do for special occasions. She often picks them out and wraps them weeks before even. Today's gift? Her one of her absolute most prized possession, her magic princess wand. It plays music. It plays games. It talks to you. It's a toy every parent hates. But she ADORES it. And today, she happily gave it to HP.

Lately, Miss M has been struggling. It's been two steps forward, one step back. Fear of being alone has surfaced again, self-control has been spotty, and she has been quick to be angry. These character traits usually surface at the same time that she is trying to pull back into her "pre-adoption shell." We've gone back to working hard on eye contact, extra snuggling, and lots of reassurances.

When you adopt, you can't help but wonder how your child will move forward in life, work through the pain of their losses. To anticipate that a child will struggle at some point is good, I think, because they will.

This week, there were so many hard moments for Miss M that I was discouraged. Seeing her give of herself today was like a window into her heart. Down deep, healing is happening. Like a flower, we get to watch it unfold. The thorns hurt, but the beauty is magnificent.

Quick Recap

July is drawing to a close, and like I said in the last post, we have a lot of updating to do. Here's a quick summary of some of our "summer high-lights" thus far. Stay tuned for more in depth posts (with pictures) on these events.

1) Swim Team. For the second year we've been involved with our town's summer swim team program. The coaches are EXCELLENT and we've really enjoyed this sport. I (dad) swam in highschool and have really enjoyed seeing two of my sons take on the challenge of swimming. It's a lot more demanding than it looks. Joseph and Gabe have both been on the team this year. Almost daily practices and three meets so far.

2) Swim Lessons. M. took swim lessons again this summer. (two weeks.) She was with older (and taller) kids but really did well. She can now jump off the diving board an d swim to the side all by herself. (gleefully!)

3)Mission Trip to Nicaragua. N. and I (dad) traveled to Nicarauga the first week of July on a MOST Mission Trip sharing health and hygiene education and installing bio-sand filters in many homes.

4) VBS. We just wrapped up our Church's week of Vacation Bible School. J. led the music. I did a skit to close and wrap up each day and also did the Bible Lesson rotation. Son, J. was just old enough to help this year and did a great job assisting with snacks. It was a great week and we were oh-so-thankful again for the new room with the AC!!!

5) N. at Bible Camp. While we were busy with VBS, our oldest son was at bible camp with our neighbor-friend's church. He came back tired and hoarse of voice but very happy with the week's experiences.

6) New Hamster. G. bought a "Chinese Dwarf Hamster" and named her "Ruby" last week. He's thrilled with her. Other than the hour J and the kids spent last Sunday am trying to recapture her...it's been fun having her around. ;-)

7) What next? J and I keep reading books (and THE Book) that challenge us in our walk with God and the expression of our faith in God as lived out in our lives. We keep praying and wondering what God has for us next.

So Much to Share

We've been quite busy the last few weeks and we have much to share. Hopefully I'll take some time in the next few nights to do some updating. Among other things, N. and I (dad) went to Nicaragua a little over a week ago on a mission trip--lots to share.

So stay tuned for some extensive posts coming your way in the near future!

Today I read the story of child M's age being bullied for the color of her skin.
http://berzenjihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif.blogspot.com/2011/07/racism-sucks.html

Our world is so broken, so twisted! To think that a small child can be so mercilessly hurt is beyond my comprehension.

Ni Hao

Today we ran some errands, hardly blog-worthy news. But like all parents of multiple children know, someone always has to use the bathroom in a store that doesn't have one. So off we trekked to the nearest alternative which turned out to be a Chinese restaurant.

As soon as we entered, a young man came up to seat us and I politely explained our reason for coming. He didn't mind. You see, he was thrilled to meet Miss M.

"You Chinese!"

She looked at him as if to say, "Why are you so excited?"

He immediately began talking FAST to her in Mandarin and she. had. no. idea. what. he. was. talking. about.

"You no speak Chinese?!"

I shook my head and was overcome with the most intense feeling of sadness. Obviously, I KNOW she doesn't speak Mandarin. She wasn't speaking any at her adoption at nearly age 3. But seeing her with this Chinese man without the language that ties them together was another reminder of all that she has lost. Her first home, her second home, any relationships she may have had, her language, the smell of her air, the taste of her food, everything.

He asked Miss M her name and she gave him her English name and he quickly asked for her REAL name, her Chinese name.

Miss M told him, but I have to wonder how confusing this all must be. Thankfully, I call her by both names, but still...

As we left the restaurant she was clearly thinking more about it as she said, "I know why he think I Chinese. It my eyes. They look like almonds."

"Maybe, I answered. You do have beautiful eyes."

And a beautiful heart, I think. To even TRY to love after all she has been through is so courageous.

Miss M's life is a bit like a puzzle. There's a picture of her that has been cut into a thousand pieces, some of which were blown away by the wind of her adoption. The parts of her past that shape who she is are missing, so many unknowns and so many things gone. Our prayer is that Jesus will fill the empty places with such light and beauty that her pain is overcome by joy. And we pray that when she looks in the mirror, she sees those almond eyes and knows just how very deeply she is loved by the One who knows her story from its beginning and who promises a perfect ending for eternity.

Attitude Check

If a commission by an earthly king is considered a honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?
-David Livingstone

If I had a quarter for every time someone said, "Your daughter is so lucky!" or "That's so great that you would do that..."

Before each of our adoptions, there was a moment when I struggled with my desire to HAVE. To HAVE the perfect house (that we OWN). To HAVE a car that I liked to drive (instead of ones that we can afford). Or to have ANY car really that wasn't purple (I mean purple?! Who drives a purple car?!) To leave my home someday for a job where raises and praises acknowledge my hard work. (Or to leave my house at all on some days)

But each time those thoughts of what I want came into my head, the Holy Spirit would instantly show me the shallowness of their substance.

How could I even compare helping a child to OWNING something? And how could I choose loving myself over embracing one who has no one at all?

And so I walked down the path towards the adoptions. And a funny thing happened. The thoughts of self disappeared as I realized what an absolute HONOR it is to have the privilege of loving one of His daughters! I have a commission from the King...and it's a gift!

What is God whispering in YOUR heart? When you lay down at night, what keeps you awake? What part of our world is God calling you to change?

Will you save the world? Nope. But then, I can't remember a king's commission to do something so large. After all, that's the King of King's job. But I'm so thankful He chooses to use us...despite our flaws and failures...what an amazing thing!

O Happy Day

Yesterday was my birthday. I am So Thankful

for 4 raspberries, perfectly ripe, hand delivered by gardener G,

for the giant hug from giggling Kailey as she wished me Happy Birthday,

and for the Happy 21st Birthday wishes from her dad, Steve. I knew I liked that guy!


for the perfect weather as we worked on our CSA farm,

the FB messages from friends,

and the surprise chocolate ganache cake from my hubby.


for the treasures Miss M gave from her own closet, wrapped extra carefully in pink paper,

for the pictures of himself J gave me as a joke,

and for the kiss from my teenager.


And last but not least...my new french press coffee maker. Ahhhhhhhh.

So Sweet

Two super sweet things to share with you guys.

First, Miss M was hospitalized again last week. While that was NOT sweet, big brother G showed his tender heart.

"Mom? I really miss M."

"That's a wonderful way to feel about your sister, G."

"Yeah, only it doesn't feel so wonderful in my stomach."

Go ahead and melt. I know I did.


The other something sweet? M's ferritin numbers were LOWER again! Yee-Haw! That means that she can "just" go for a one day transfusion in July and not be admitted! In August, she'll have another full-body MRI on a special machine that can detect where iron is pooling in her body. If it's around her organs, we'll have to consider admitting every few weeks again. If not, we can stay on her daily oral medicine for awhile instead.

Now that is Suuuuu-Weeeet!

Mixed Feelings

They've been brewing for awhile, these mixed feelings.

Since we realized that our hope-to-be daughter was living in "nice" orphanage, I've been struggling with my emotions. Seeing the pictures on the agency's blog confirmed that she is living in the "Taj Mahal" of institutions in China. Not too surprising that our agency was invited to visit.

No one was invited to Miss M's orphanage. In fact, its been rare that anyone has been allowed to visit even if they ask. Nicely. We tried. Several times.

The difference between Miss M's and Miss Soon-to-be's living conditions couldn't be more striking. Miss M's? Break your heart dark. Cold. Hot. Stained white walls. Shared cribs. Crying babies. Few toys. Floors of children. Waiting.

We received pictures of Miss M's first home. One is etched in my mind. It's the one that I see when I close my eyes. It's of her crib. An old, wooden slatted crib next to many others. Behind it is a grayed white wall. An old, metal fan is attached above her bed and the cord dangles down to plug in. That's it. No color. No pictures. Nothing. Just a cord. And blank white walls. I imagine my daughter in that room and I grieve. I ache for what she lacked.

I look at the pictures of Miss Soon-to-Be's orphanage and I'm so happy that she has color surrounding her. And a decent bed. And toys to play with. So very happy for her.

But at the same time, it brings back all of the ache I feel for Miss M's beginnings. How little she had! How little she saw! And I understand all over again why saving the wrapper of a candy she ate is important to her. Necessary, even. She had nothing. And now she wants to save everything.

Don't misunderstand me. Miss Soon-to-Be needs a FAMILY and nice paint does nothing to cover the reality that a future for her in China with her special needs would be grim. How we can't wait to give her a forever family!

But seeing those "happy pictures"...I find I'm grieving all over again for just how bleak Miss M's beginning years were and I'm so very, very proud of all she's already achieved.

People say children who are adopted are lucky or blessed. That's partly true. They will have families that love them and their needs will likely be met. Most of the world's 147 million orphans will never know those blessings. But the crazy thing is that when you adopt, your heart changes in ways you never expected and you realize that you are the blessed one. Truly.

You Didn't See it From Me

Knowing we can't share the picture of the little one we're hoping to adopt, my heart RACED when I saw the following montage of pictures placed on our agency's new blog.


If you happen to notice an adorable little girl learning a fan dance (with a very Asian hair-do going on!), you might want to stop and stare and her loveliness.

I'm just sayin.

But be warned...you may just fall in love with the children and want to go yourself. You know, to change their world and yours for the better.

I'm just sayin.

Adoption Update

I know we haven't shared much yet about this upcoming adoption. It's because we CAN'T. And boy is it hard! Because our hearts were drawn to a very specific girl that's been waiting a long time for a family, we have to use the agency who holds her file to complete the adoption. They've been wonderful and organized, but they interpret China's rules differently than our last agency did. As in, no sharing pictures for at least four more months! No sending care packages for another 4-6 months. It's a very odd position to be in. We know there's a little girl half a world away living life as she always has who has no idea that there is a family talking about her, praying for her, and deciding who she will sit next to at the table. ;-) How weird that WE know about her, but she doesn't know about us!

And so we wait. Thankfully, with four busy children we are distracted!

Here are some things we CAN share:

**She has a very sweet Chinese name. We will keep it as her middle name and give her an English first name. It's already picked out, but you'll have to wait a little longer to hear it!

**She is 5 years old, two weeks older than Miss M. (Miss M does not think that's fair, by the way!)

**She lives in what appears to be a "nicer" orphanage now, but we are not sure that has always been the case.

**She attends school and can read simple words in Chinese, count, and sing.

**Her favorite things are swinging, puzzles, and playing with dolls. And dancing.

**She is missing a foot and has malformed fingers on both hands.

We'll share more information and pictures as soon as we can. Please pray that her heart begins to yearn for a family of her own. Pray also for little M. Bringing another child home is stirring up emotions from her own adoption. We are praying that God will use this second adoption to help heal some of the hurts and fears Miss M carries. Thanks.

Wonderful Father's Day (cont)

Hamming it up...


Check out that face as he carries the water. (click on pic to enlarge)


Still not so sure about how sand feels...(again, click to enlarge)

Wonderful Father's Day (cont)

Wonderful Father's Day (cont)

The older boys took the kayak for a spin too.




Wait...I don't think I'd do that if I were you....










First Kayak Tip in 8 years. Boys. :-)

Wonderful Father's Day

Could it have been any better? Really? wow. What a great day. I am truly blessed to be a dad.

The day began with worship of our Heavenly Father through whom all good things come.

It continued with a trip to the beach: Hammonasset Beach State Park.

I had a really nice chat with my dad as the kids began to play. I always miss my dad at the beach. He's the one who got me hooked on the sand and the salt air. Ahhh. Wish you were here today, dad!

We went for a stroll as the kids hunted for crabs in the rocks.





I finally (!) embarked on the 2011 maiden kayak voyage.






(to be continued)

We're Adopting Again!

It's been brewing for a long, long while. It probably began years ago when our hearts first broke for the children of China.

Once we opened our hearts to consider the plight of so many thousands of children

Once we opened ourselves to be used by the Lord to rescue

Once we realized the immense privilege of helping these children heal

Once we understood that welcoming home a little one has changed our lives as much as it has changed hers...it seemed all but inevitable that we would return.

Because we can't forget the faces of those left behind.

For us, it's the children that are harder to place...the older ones, the ones with special needs...they are the voices that cry to us in the midst of our affluence and remind us that we were blessed not to hoard, but to share.

There's a funny thing that happens when you exhaust all your excuses. The excuses that seemed so real and big and insurmountable suddenly shrink into perspective.

You realize that God is bigger than your fears and your failures, your doubts and your shortcomings.

And you imagine how life could be even richer and fuller and better with another little one.

And you believe that although it may be hard, that God is bigger than her pain and able to heal with just a word.

And you know that although you could pretend you didn't, you saw a face that needs someone.

And you suddenly know that you would cross oceans of water and mountains of paperwork to bring her home.

And you would love every moment of it and count it pure joy and the most humbling privilege.
We have received pre-approval to adopt a beautiful 5 year old girl in Shandong Province in China. We have been asked not to share her picture yet, but believe us...we'll be showing her precious face just as soon as we are allowed!

What do YOU think?

This morning I was talking with my boys about how sometimes people with physical disabilities are treated as inferior, stared at, laughed at. In many countries, discrimination keeps them from getting married, getting jobs, being institutionalized, and worse.

They were shocked.

"But why, mom? Who cares if a hand doesn't look the same?" they said. "Their insides are! And God cares about our HEARTS."

As I spend today at the hospital with Miss M, I'm surrounded by children with all kinds of ailments. Physical problems, sicknesses. The things that keep so many from adopting children with special needs.

Yesterday, my very good friend brought her daughter to the hospital to spend time with M. Together they ate chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and painted each others' toes. And giggled the whole time. I so wished I brought my camera and had captured the moment.



In the midst of the joy, my friend said, "THIS is the face of special needs. A little girl who loves ice cream and nail polish who just happens to come to the hospital every 3 weeks for transfusions. Who, if left in her birth country, may not have lived long."

And yet so many children like our precious M endure pain and isolation around the world because they are considered worthless, or unlucky, or contagious, or their caregivers simply don't have the resources to care for them.



It's been THRILLING for R and I to see God working in a mighty way around the United States, burdening the church to care for orphans. Slowly but surely, God's people are rising up to love as Jesus taught...here in our faith community, we've seen 8 children rescued in the past two years and at least 4 more are soon to come home!

But who will go for the rest?

With 147 million orphans worldwide, the need is staggering. And those with special needs or are older have little chance of being picked.

"It's really sad. But I'm not in a position to adopt right now.

If I had more money...

If I had more time...

If my job wasn't so time-consuming...

If I didn't already have kids...

If I couldn't have kids of my own...

If I was younger...

If I was older..."

But WHAT IF

We erased our idea of the American dream and allowed God to redefine our dreams?

We stopped worrying about what others think and thought instead of how orphans feel?

We considered that maybe, just maybe, God gave us all that we have so that we would spend it on those who have nothing?

We considered that our whole reason for living was to learn to love with great abandon?

Would we save every child?

Sadly, probably not. But for the ones who do find love and acceptance and family...

Wouldn't it be worth EVERYTHING we have?

What If

14 Years

I have primarily been a stay at home mom for 14 years. It's been an amazing blessing to be able to be here to love my kids, care for them, and train them up each day. But I'm not gonna lie. There are days when 24 hours feels a lot longer than 24. Every at home parent knows what I'm talking about.

It's easy to feel unappreciated and uninspired.

That's why I LOVED reading this blog post today:

http://www.oursaviorct.org/blog/?p=2063

It's powerful in its simple truth...the little things we do in life matter. Caring for children is shaping the future for GENERATIONS of people. We're raising our kids to be world changers! Arrows! And that takes a lot of "little" things to accomplish...like being present to challenge and correct a wayward child, like taking time to read inspiring books, like finding opportunities for a child to serve others.

As I go about my day, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be at home. Even if it means folding the whites (ok, I really leave those for my husband because I just can't STAND matching socks).

The next time I'm questioning my sanity in the decision to stay home, I want to remember just how important what I do is. And just how important the little things are. Because people matter.

If your sons catch a rabbit

If your sons catch a brown baby bunny they're going to run down the hill and squeal with glee. They'll ask you for a box.

When you find a box, they'll fill it with soft green grass, a bowl of water, and a fresh crunchy carrot.

When the food is gone, the boys will sit with the bunny and give him a name. They will wait for Dad to come home to proudly show their special pet. Their love. Their bunny named Fudge.

When dad comes home, he will see that the bunny is very, very small and agree with mom that the bunny just might not survive without his mother.

Mom and Dad will say the baby bunny should be set free.

The boys will sadly walk up the hill and let Fudge go. They will come home with tears in their eyes, collapse in your arms, and SOB.

They will cry like they rarely cry. Deep aching sobs for a bunny they loved. For all of 1 hour, but apparently deeply.

After being held and told how true love does what's best for someone else even when it hurts, they will be put to bed.

When they are put to bed, you will still hear their sniffles for a long, long time.

When you go back in to console again, you will feel weak and broken and quietly whisper in their ears that this is a birthday week for both of them and perhaps...just perhaps...a bunny would make the perfect present.

They will smile and agree and then dissolve again into tears and say,

He may be cute, but he'll never be our Fudge.

And you will realize that you may never figure this parenting thing out, or that maybe you have and it's just really hard. In either case, you better hide all the boxes in the garage

or they're going to want a bunny to go with them.

Mother's Day Tea

I'm not a particularly gushy mom. But these Mother's Day teas get me. When my boys were little, they were so stinkin cute all dressed up and offering their arm to me. With Miss M, I choke up at the thought that she even wants to CALL me Mom. And when she looks up at me with her huge, trusting eyes...after all she's been through...it melts me. She presented a little scroll with answers to questions like

I know my mom loves me because...

My mom shows she cares when...

And what answer still leaves me reeling? I know my mom cares because she puts me to bed at night.

No son of mine would EVER think that was a wonderful thing.

But Miss M, who never had someone to give her a sudsy tub, help with cozy jams, tuck her in, kiss her nose, and pray over her...and then get up OVER and OVER at night when she wakes up scared...SHE thinks love is putting her to bed.

Because putting her to bed means she is no longer alone in this world.

And for me, I can't think of a better Mother's Day gift.